I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
