onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
