god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Randomize
