Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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