Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
