At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
