I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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