Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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