I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
