Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
