I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
