I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
