The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
