The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
