im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
