You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
