how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
