i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
