I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
