I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
