I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
