Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
