is your mom at the bar?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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