I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
