I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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