He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
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