i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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