So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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