ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
