We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
