Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
