Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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