my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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