I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's always time for handjobs
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
