just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
