I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
