NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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