We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
ttyl tear gas
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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