I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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