i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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