Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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