Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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