I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
