I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
