I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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