During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
