Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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