Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wish my penis had a tongue
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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