I hate all girls vehemently.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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