you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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