If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you traded sex for a burrito?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
