so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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